I need to thrash my face off

I hate these mood swings.

I am feeling better today. The weather yesterday was terrible. Muggy humid rainy, that could have been why I wanted to die.. along with all the other shitty things going on in my life. but today I feel somewhat better I guess.. I’m starting to feel like nothing matters or means anything.. I want to break off from social acceptance. I want to move out of my parents house. I want my own space so I can smoke mad weed and play my drums whenever the fuck I want. 

Thinking more and more about going back to school to do a 4 year apprenticeship. Fuck I’m going to be 20 in a couple months.. I have wasted two years of my life.. well maybe just one, but I need to choose a path and start something.. I am so tired of doing NOTHING

Goals: Finds something I can tolerate and make money during the day. Pay off debt. Move out. Rent storage space. Reunite with my drum set.

Today I’m going to start small by doing some research.. then I’m going to dye my hair because that usually makes me feel better about my life.. really I just want to jam the fuck out with my friends. Our band was coming along, we just need to stop talking and start doing.

Also a trip to Richmond is due. I need to thrash my face off.

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Forever is gone.

I don’t expect you to stay forever. As much as I adore the though often, I know there is No such thing. I once thought my love for another was infinite until they turned me cold. Ice has taken over the vessels of my heart, filling my lungs with cool air, I’m never hot headed.. unless you get into bed with me. If we’re in between the sheets I will love you until you leave. I will make you feel as if this is our forever, but it’s all a sick twisted turn of events when neither of us call each other the next day. Your bed and your lips are just memory until the next one comes around. I don’t expect you to stay forever, I don’t expect you to stay at all really. But I’ll grip what I can, let my knuckles burn white, holding on to this feeling only you give me.. I laugh to myself.. “only you”. Something else I don’t believe in.

I’m a hopeless romantic in a very different way. I am in love with the thought and feelings of love, but I am a pessimistic hopeless ice box of a woman who’s too exhausted to love again. Therefore, romance is hopeless.

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Did we love each other?

Slice your samurai sword directly through my heart
Cut evenly, watch me split in two
Watch me cave in and fall for you
Let the blood pool onto your feet,
you could never keep your white shoes clean
Paint the sunset blood red
Watch the sunrise over an ocean of tears shed
I never believed ‘em when they told me I was worthless
What’s a queen to a princess?
What’s a duchess to this hot mess?
My body sighed every time you made me wear that sun dress
Stop calling yourself the king of hearts
Stop telling me to play my part
I watch the waves crash
I am the shore, didn’t mean to bore you to death,
it’s always been this way..
You leave, you come back
You take bits of grains and sand
I am forced to take the strangers hand
What we shared was nothing to be had
I would misbehave,
but you were always bad
Put the plastic bag over my head now
Pull the rope now
Trap doors fling open, I guess I am gone forever
You left so early at my dinner party
But sat a the grave in the worst of weather
People have odd ways of showing they love each other

Did we love each other?

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I’m a one night stand kind of girl,
But I’ll remember you forever.

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Something I have ran away from
For so long I was crawling towards the light
My path was set for me
But I forgot I was on my knees
Blinded by false hope

When a man ask me to bed for mercy I laugh in his face
Not ever god can convince me to bow before him
I ran to the darkness
Satans warm embrace

It’s not love of infatuation
It’s not forgiveness nor mercy
He is selfless
He wants me to be selfish

For so long I was the giver
The Fruit of my labor hung from my tree
I let there greedy hands rape my leaves
Left with nothing

You tell me I was born a sin
The see I was
You want me to beg forgiveness for who I am
Again I can only laugh


When I am thirsty I drink until I have had enough
When I feast I gorge until my belly is full
When I sleep I awake fully rested

For I need no man
I have lost all feelings of gratitude
unless it is self gratification

I am tired of staring into broken mirrors
I am tired of being broken
The dark lord watched over me as I cradled all my broken glass
He held my bleeding heart
I looked into his eyes
Safe at last

They will judge you for your faith in me
They will mock you
They will stare

Something I believe strongly in
When you’ve lost all hope your body abandons itself
I had to drown in self pity to be born anew 
I had to sink first

Lucifer take my hand
I will follow you into the dark
and in my darkness I shall follow no other man
I fall to my knees for you
But you lent me your hand instead
told me I’d never play the fool again
Now here I am


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Heart of Glass

I told you boy I’ve got a heart of glass
You’ll hurt yourself picking up the pieces of my past
I told you not to love me if you knew it wouldn’t last
I told you we could keep it simple,
no strings attached..
But you dug your claws into my heart
I could feel the glass start to crack
I warned you of the dangerous shards
But all you did was laugh..

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Your light

He burns holes into your skin with his mouth
You shutter at his touch because you crave affection
He is poisoning you with every lie that leaves his lips
You’re drinking from the fountain of death when you kiss him
But you convince yourself all the pain and the suffering is love
You wipe away your tears
You mutter to yourself how crazy you are, fucking insane
But its not you, it never was
You letting him burn holes into and eventually you’ll be nothing
Your light has not yet gone out
Don’t let him put out your fire
Its all that you’ve got, all you’ve ever had

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Loosen your grip.

you’ve got your fingers in my veins
wrapped around my heart strings
and I think it’s time you’ve pulled them out
or at least loosen the grip..
you’ve got my heart feelings blue
my lips missing you
but I think you should just leave
walk away peacefully
you’ve got your hand in hers
and I’ve got a bitter tongue
so walk away before the damages done
and I won’t feel a thing
you’ve got my heart in your hands
I couldn’t push you away even if I tried
I couldn’t let go so easily
even though you were never mine

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Flesh wounds.

I wear my pain on my flesh so I don’t have to speak. I want you to see the hurt. What I feel can not be put into words. You must look carefully, literally read between the lines. I will never once open my mouth and spew the truth of my hearts tales. My body tells my story. I cut, I bleed, I heal, I remember. Every scar is a story, a memory, a simple thought. 

I wear my pain on my flesh. It is a silent cry for help. 

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18 years.

I’m 18 years old and my mom wants to leave my dad. My dad wants to blame it on me.

I’m 18 years old and I have a fear of getting close to people. I loose friends. I can’t have a serious boyfriend because I fear men.

I’m 18 years old and I dropped out of school to follow my dreams and be happy.. what if I’m still not happy?

I’m 18 years old and little brother hates me because I acted out of line when my doctor put me on prozac.

I’m 18 years old and I have scars on my body that will never heal.

I’m 18 years old and I want to die young and save myself.

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Taking flight..

I talk about it all the time, packing my bags and getting out of this hell hole I grew up in. 

It was never always like this, but I grew up in a suburb where you knew everyone from elementary to high school. The drama stays the same, most people in virginia beach either have it all together or they’re complete burn outs. It’s hard because I feel like I’m caught in the middle. 

I was born in Cali, but we moved when I was 4 years old. I went back for my 18th birthday and I fell in love all over again. The environment really did make me happier. 

Now I’m torn.

I have the chance to move to Cali and start over. Plane ticket paid for, place to stay until I get on my feet, it’s every 18 year olds dream.. so why the fuck am I so hesitant?

I was born in Cali, but my roots are here. You can’t just rip a tree out of the ground unless you have some real force behind it. 

I have so many friends, but at the same time, a lot of my relationships here have turned toxic and are doing more harm than good. And wouldn’t my friends understand why I’m leaving? We all talk about getting out of here, yet we don’t do shit about it. We complain, we smoke, we get high to forget how shitty this place is and in the morning when the feeling hits we do it all over again. I don’t want to be like that anymore..

I had plans to move to Richmond with my bestfriend. Richmond, Virginia. Still not getting out of here.. still stuck in the same state, just a couple new faces, but the scene stays the same and it’s starting to leave a sick taste in my mouth.. 

Maybe it’s best those plans change. Maybe I should take this opportunity to get the fuck out while I can.. I honestly don’t know at the moment. 

It’s like learning to fly for baby birds. No one is there to catch them. They grew their wings and now it’s just time. They’ve got to jump. Sure they’re scared, but if you never jump you’ll never know how far you can fly.. and who knows, maybe you’ll soar higher than you ever imagined. 

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I don’t know what to do. 

Last weekend my dad and I got in a huge fight. He told me he hated me, wanted me out of his life, to slit my wrist and end my life. I ended up showing him the scars that run down my thigh and blaming him for every single one of them. It was spiteful, but I was so hurt. My dad has never told me he hated me, or any of that stuff.. the argument just got worse and cops were called, but I ended up staying at a friends house for the weekend. 

I came home, things are kind of awkward. My dad and I are speaking. He told me he was sorry and that he didn’t mean the things that he said, but they’re stuck in my head. I feel like he really does hate me deep down inside. I guess I’ve made his life miserable. I’ll never be what he wants me to be. He doesn’t see me as his little girl anymore. It’s sad really. I’m a mess. And I do want a better relationship with my dad, I really do, and I’m trying so hard to make things work, to make him happy, to make myself happy, but it’s not that easy. 

I’m so used to letting everything that’s ever hurt me just roll off my shoulders, and I guess I just expect others to do that same when I’ve maybe hurt them, but life doesn’t work that way.

My relationship with my father started off sweet, innocent, and pristine like most little girls. I was daddys little girl. Over time it’s as if an infection started to fester in our relationship, always causing trouble, but we’d never do much about it. Maybe stick a band-aid or two on it, shake it off, and keep going. My father and I rarely speak of the past, yet history is constantly repeating itself.. we’re both constantly hurting each other. And now this little infection has spread and our relationship is toxic. Our hearts are wounded from countless counter attacks made by each other against one another, yet no one is winning, we’re both losers.. 

And my therapist says I need a better relationship with my father to have better relationships with men in general. That sucks, but I guess it explains a lot. It explains why I think I’m never enough for anyone. I always go for guys who treat me like shit. False promises. That’s all my relationships have been made up of. And I just take it. I endure the abuse because that’s all I know. I always stick around, I always come running back, so maybe I’m asking for it? I don’t fucking know. 

I just told my dad that I’m probably going to move out this summer. He knows that he’s the reason why. No one had to say anything, but we both know. When I told him he was expressionless. He always is unless we’re fighting or he’s upset with me. I bet a part of him doesn’t want me to leave. The part that still believes I’m his little girl. But I know there’s also a huge part of him that is relieved I’ll be gone, out of his hair. He doesn’t know how to handle me, my ‘illness’, my personality disorder, my adhd. All he knows is that I’m fucked in the head and what kills him the most is not knowing why.

It’s sad. Typing this gives me a huge lump in my throat. I’m debating on whether or not I should tell him everything that’s on my mind. I have so much pain built up inside of my that I feel like my chest is going to cave in from the sadness, and my heart is going to collapse because I never bother to truly take care of it. 

I’m constantly wishing things were back to the way they used to be. I really screwed up over these past few years. I wish I never would have been sad. I hate myself for that. I hate myself for putting my family through so much. I may seem like I don’t give a fuck, but deep down inside it causes me a heart ache that can never be reversed. 

And I still don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I just want to hug my father and cry into his arms like I would do when I was little and I had maybe scraped my knee or failed some stupid 3rd grade test. 

I guess the only thing I can do is wait and keep attempting to fix things. I know time heals all wounds, but I’m scared this wound is too big to heal.

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From hopeful, to hopeless.

I’m tired. People exhaust me. It’s my own damn fault.

Sometimes I don’t see a way out of this misery. We’re all living to die anyway. So why does it matter when I choose to leave? My departure date shouldn’t concern anyone. 

I used to count days, waiting for it all to get better. I was hopeful. Now I count down the days, waiting for the end. I am hopeless.

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Burning bridges to make new ones.

I’m getting over you. And you.. oh and you!

Seriously, I have more important things to put my time and energy into. Like going to school and doing what I love, working on my own happiness by bettering myself emotionally as well as physically, and just living without worry and anxiety. 

I have to let go of everything that’s weighing me down. I shouldn’t be so spiteful, it only makes me sad. I need to learn to live for myself again. 

For starters, I plan to spend less time on social networking sites, and the internet in general. Also, I need to work out, take care of my body more, watch what I’m eating. I’ve been very abusive to my body. I smoke cigarettes, I don’t eat very healthy, and lately I’ve been so sedative. I believe your body is a temple, and no ones going to worship it if you don’t at first. I plan on eating well too. What you put into your body can change your whole day. I want to create more, finally teach myself guitar, paint, hike, try new things, strengthen my friendships, and follow my dreams. I’ll be taking medicine as well, so hopefully that helps.

It’s a lot to take on, I know, but I think I have a good support system even though my Mom is far away at the moment. And hopefully, if I’m out more I won’t be stuck in the house lonely, feeling anxious. Lastly, maybe spending some time on my own will be good in the long run. I rely on others for my happiness far too much.

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