From hopeful, to hopeless.

I’m tired. People exhaust me. It’s my own damn fault.

Sometimes I don’t see a way out of this misery. We’re all living to die anyway. So why does it matter when I choose to leave? My departure date shouldn’t concern anyone. 

I used to count days, waiting for it all to get better. I was hopeful. Now I count down the days, waiting for the end. I am hopeless.

Unlovable.

I’m tired of the games. I’m sick of putting myself out there and getting walked all over in return. It’d be nice if just once someone would go the extra mile for me. And when I say that I’m not asking for much. Maybe a fucking mixed CD or take me on a really cute date, I don’t care if it’s something free like a picnic, I’d actually prefer that.

Seriously, I’ve put my heart on the line so many times only for it to be cast right back out to sea again. I can’t handle it. I’m worn out. If I put anymore time and energy into another soul I’ll just burn out.

I guess it’s my fault too. I’m so naive, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. When I like someone I just melt into their hands. I can’t help it. I want to make them so happy. Seeing them smile is enough for me. I know that sounds cheesy as fuck, but it true, and I hate that about myself. I wish I had a tougher exterior. I wish I wasn’t so easily manipulated. I guess when people tell me they like me I take their word for it. Maybe I shouldn’t.

And you know, I took a year to myself and I started to feel so much better. Then one little thing happens and I snap.. so maybe I wasn’t better to begin with? I don’t know. Maybe I’m unlovable. 

Yeah that’s it. We’ll go with that. I’m unlovable.

It’d be nice to find a cute boy who listens to good music so on rainy days like these we could cuddle and put on some records. We don’t even have to cuddle. Just hang out, smoke a couple joints, reading books, painting, coffee, shutting the rest of the world out, letting the music in.

You know what’s grimey? When your own flesh and blood put their hands on you. What’s even worse? It’s your younger brother. Wait, it gets worse? Your mom just watches. 

Trust no one. Blood might be thicker than water, but that doesn’t mean shit to me because no one means anything to anyone. 

I don’t believe in love, heaven, or second chances.

Burning bridges to make new ones.

I’m getting over you. And you.. oh and you!

Seriously, I have more important things to put my time and energy into. Like going to school and doing what I love, working on my own happiness by bettering myself emotionally as well as physically, and just living without worry and anxiety. 

I have to let go of everything that’s weighing me down. I shouldn’t be so spiteful, it only makes me sad. I need to learn to live for myself again. 

For starters, I plan to spend less time on social networking sites, and the internet in general. Also, I need to work out, take care of my body more, watch what I’m eating. I’ve been very abusive to my body. I smoke cigarettes, I don’t eat very healthy, and lately I’ve been so sedative. I believe your body is a temple, and no ones going to worship it if you don’t at first. I plan on eating well too. What you put into your body can change your whole day. I want to create more, finally teach myself guitar, paint, hike, try new things, strengthen my friendships, and follow my dreams. I’ll be taking medicine as well, so hopefully that helps.

It’s a lot to take on, I know, but I think I have a good support system even though my Mom is far away at the moment. And hopefully, if I’m out more I won’t be stuck in the house lonely, feeling anxious. Lastly, maybe spending some time on my own will be good in the long run. I rely on others for my happiness far too much.

I’m heaven sent, don’t you dare forget.

Last night I had a few brews and sat around a fire with some awesome people singing along to Brand New. Someone would play the guitar and the rest of us with mumble the lyrics. It brought up so many feelings of nostalgia. I was happy, I was sad, I was looking forward to my future though. It was a strange feeling. I could have been a little too drunk too, who knows. 

Everyone I met was friendly though so the party was enjoyable even though I didn’t get to spend much time with a certain person. I’m honestly a little worn out now, but I’m going to see Tyler the Creator tonight! I have to gain some energy quick.. but I really really just want to sleep all day. 

I ramble.

I’d rather be a wall flower. Quiet and shy. Sometimes I talk to much about nothing, sometimes I don’t say anything at all. These personality qualities or ‘quirks’ have become so intolerable, I often can’t stand to even be around myself. And isn’t that a shame?

I’ve learned from watching others that our lives are on repeat, but we’re so caught up in silly little things that never really matter that we miss out on so much. I watch the same people do the same things everyday. They put themselves in the same toxic situations and get the same painful results. It’s even painful to watch because you realize you’re just like them. I guess you could say it’s the blind leading the blind out there. We all look to each other to see if we’re doing it right, you know, living. We want to feel alive more than anything all the time. No one is at peace or content anymore. We strive for that rush of adrenaline, we’re addicted to that insane feeling and eventually we become used to the feeling. We don’t crave it, we’re completely numb to it.

Maybe it’s not them, it’s me. Maybe I’m missing something essential because it’s so hard to feel anything lately. My emotions confuse me and I can’t seem to relate to anyone anymore. I watch them live their lives and they seem like they’ve got the right idea, why can’t I get it right as well?

I’m at a time of transition in my life and it’s quite puzzling, and extremely frustrating. I don’t know who I am and I feel as if I’ll never belong.

I can get affection from so many different boys. I could have them in love with me in a matter of weeks. I know how to play the game, I know what they want. I can read most people easily. But I don’t want any of that.

I don’t want to be affectionate with anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to open up to another soul. It’s too fucking messy. 

I just want to be selfish. 

Naive little girl.

When I was younger I tried really hard to get others to like me. I tried to be funny, I’ve always loved making others laugh. I still try and do that, even if I have to make a fool out of myself. As I got older making people laugh wasn’t enough. If you wanted them to like you, you couldn’t really be yourself. I remember in middle school I’d let my friends come over and drink my parents alcohol. I got in a lot of trouble for that, but my ”friends” never cared. Whenever I got in trouble I expected them to be there, but they weren’t. Then came high school. I didn’t know who I was, I still don’t, but then I tried so hard to fit in. I always wanted attention from boys. I’d wear low cut shirts and hang out with them all the time. And over the span of 4 years in high school I’ve had 4 boyfriends. Each and every time I started a new relationship with someone I gave them my all. I wore my heart on my sleeve. I guess I’m just very naive. I am a very giving person, I can’t help it, but I never really got anything in return. I’ve also had many friends, some have used me, some have stuck around. I hang around a lot of kids who always need a ride or want to bum a cigarette, and every time I say yes. I don’t mind going out of the way to do kind things for people because I figured one day I’ll need them to do something for me and they’ll remember how I helped them out at one point in time. 

Well 18 years on this planet and I’m finally learning people are full of shit. You can give and give and give until you’ve got nothing, and once you’re empty they leave. They’re like leeches latching on to who ever is most gullible. And I hate to say it, but I’ve been that gullible, naive, little girl. I’ve let boys and ‘friends’ take advantage of me. It’s not them, it’s me. People are full of shit and will bullshit you for the rest of your life, it’s up to you though. You control your own fate. You don’t have to let people walk all over you. I know this. I’ve been trampled on plenty of times. But I can’t say no. And it’s not because I care what people think of me, because I don’t. And it’s not because I expected anything back, because I never do. I guess it’s because I have some small hope that someone will return the favor one day. If I put out this positive energy and I help others then maybe someday someone will do the same for me. After writing that I can see clearly how naive I truly am, but I can’t help it. 

I guess that’s why I get so sad. Because sometimes I just feel alone and abandoned. I put so much effort into making others happy and I don’t get it back in return. I have a few really good friends and I’m so thankful for them, but they don’t understand why I get this way. No one understands. 

Maybe I sound like another little girl filled with teenage angst. Maybe I am. Maybe I have mental issues. I really don’t know. I’m just trying to figure out why I am the way I am. I’m trying to break these bad habits. 

rambling.

 Sometimes I just want meaningless sex. Sometimes I want someone to fall in love with me. There is no in between. 

 From experience I know meaningless sex is the more real of the two. The only downfall is how empty I feel when it’s over and I’m alone again. Sure, you can search for your ‘soul mate’, but what’s the point? Love leaves you feelin’ 10x more empty anyway. 

 Or you could be alone. Alone and empty. No matter what you loose.

 Unless you’re one of the lucky ones who hasn’t realized it’s all bullshit yet. If so, I envy you.