she likes the taste of it.
you’ve got your fingers in my veins
wrapped around my heart strings
and I think it’s time you’ve pulled them out
or at least loosen the grip..
you’ve got my heart feelings blue
my lips missing you
but I think you should just leave
walk away peacefully
you’ve got your hand in hers
and I’ve got a bitter tongue
so walk away before the damages done
and I won’t feel a thing
you’ve got my heart in your hands
I couldn’t push you away even if I tried
I couldn’t let go so easily
even though you were never mine
I wear my pain on my flesh so I don’t have to speak. I want you to see the hurt. What I feel can not be put into words. You must look carefully, literally read between the lines. I will never once open my mouth and spew the truth of my hearts tales. My body tells my story. I cut, I bleed, I heal, I remember. Every scar is a story, a memory, a simple thought.
I wear my pain on my flesh. It is a silent cry for help.
I’m 18 years old and my mom wants to leave my dad. My dad wants to blame it on me.
I’m 18 years old and I have a fear of getting close to people. I loose friends. I can’t have a serious boyfriend because I fear men.
I’m 18 years old and I dropped out of school to follow my dreams and be happy.. what if I’m still not happy?
I’m 18 years old and little brother hates me because I acted out of line when my doctor put me on prozac.
I’m 18 years old and I have scars on my body that will never heal.
I’m 18 years old and I want to die young and save myself.
I talk about it all the time, packing my bags and getting out of this hell hole I grew up in.
It was never always like this, but I grew up in a suburb where you knew everyone from elementary to high school. The drama stays the same, most people in virginia beach either have it all together or they’re complete burn outs. It’s hard because I feel like I’m caught in the middle.
I was born in Cali, but we moved when I was 4 years old. I went back for my 18th birthday and I fell in love all over again. The environment really did make me happier.
Now I’m torn.
I have the chance to move to Cali and start over. Plane ticket paid for, place to stay until I get on my feet, it’s every 18 year olds dream.. so why the fuck am I so hesitant?
I was born in Cali, but my roots are here. You can’t just rip a tree out of the ground unless you have some real force behind it.
I have so many friends, but at the same time, a lot of my relationships here have turned toxic and are doing more harm than good. And wouldn’t my friends understand why I’m leaving? We all talk about getting out of here, yet we don’t do shit about it. We complain, we smoke, we get high to forget how shitty this place is and in the morning when the feeling hits we do it all over again. I don’t want to be like that anymore..
I had plans to move to Richmond with my bestfriend. Richmond, Virginia. Still not getting out of here.. still stuck in the same state, just a couple new faces, but the scene stays the same and it’s starting to leave a sick taste in my mouth..
Maybe it’s best those plans change. Maybe I should take this opportunity to get the fuck out while I can.. I honestly don’t know at the moment.
It’s like learning to fly for baby birds. No one is there to catch them. They grew their wings and now it’s just time. They’ve got to jump. Sure they’re scared, but if you never jump you’ll never know how far you can fly.. and who knows, maybe you’ll soar higher than you ever imagined.
I don’t know what to do.
Last weekend my dad and I got in a huge fight. He told me he hated me, wanted me out of his life, to slit my wrist and end my life. I ended up showing him the scars that run down my thigh and blaming him for every single one of them. It was spiteful, but I was so hurt. My dad has never told me he hated me, or any of that stuff.. the argument just got worse and cops were called, but I ended up staying at a friends house for the weekend.
I came home, things are kind of awkward. My dad and I are speaking. He told me he was sorry and that he didn’t mean the things that he said, but they’re stuck in my head. I feel like he really does hate me deep down inside. I guess I’ve made his life miserable. I’ll never be what he wants me to be. He doesn’t see me as his little girl anymore. It’s sad really. I’m a mess. And I do want a better relationship with my dad, I really do, and I’m trying so hard to make things work, to make him happy, to make myself happy, but it’s not that easy.
I’m so used to letting everything that’s ever hurt me just roll off my shoulders, and I guess I just expect others to do that same when I’ve maybe hurt them, but life doesn’t work that way.
My relationship with my father started off sweet, innocent, and pristine like most little girls. I was daddys little girl. Over time it’s as if an infection started to fester in our relationship, always causing trouble, but we’d never do much about it. Maybe stick a band-aid or two on it, shake it off, and keep going. My father and I rarely speak of the past, yet history is constantly repeating itself.. we’re both constantly hurting each other. And now this little infection has spread and our relationship is toxic. Our hearts are wounded from countless counter attacks made by each other against one another, yet no one is winning, we’re both losers..
And my therapist says I need a better relationship with my father to have better relationships with men in general. That sucks, but I guess it explains a lot. It explains why I think I’m never enough for anyone. I always go for guys who treat me like shit. False promises. That’s all my relationships have been made up of. And I just take it. I endure the abuse because that’s all I know. I always stick around, I always come running back, so maybe I’m asking for it? I don’t fucking know.
I just told my dad that I’m probably going to move out this summer. He knows that he’s the reason why. No one had to say anything, but we both know. When I told him he was expressionless. He always is unless we’re fighting or he’s upset with me. I bet a part of him doesn’t want me to leave. The part that still believes I’m his little girl. But I know there’s also a huge part of him that is relieved I’ll be gone, out of his hair. He doesn’t know how to handle me, my ‘illness’, my personality disorder, my adhd. All he knows is that I’m fucked in the head and what kills him the most is not knowing why.
It’s sad. Typing this gives me a huge lump in my throat. I’m debating on whether or not I should tell him everything that’s on my mind. I have so much pain built up inside of my that I feel like my chest is going to cave in from the sadness, and my heart is going to collapse because I never bother to truly take care of it.
I’m constantly wishing things were back to the way they used to be. I really screwed up over these past few years. I wish I never would have been sad. I hate myself for that. I hate myself for putting my family through so much. I may seem like I don’t give a fuck, but deep down inside it causes me a heart ache that can never be reversed.
And I still don’t know what to do. I don’t know what to say. I just want to hug my father and cry into his arms like I would do when I was little and I had maybe scraped my knee or failed some stupid 3rd grade test.
I guess the only thing I can do is wait and keep attempting to fix things. I know time heals all wounds, but I’m scared this wound is too big to heal.
I’m tired. People exhaust me. It’s my own damn fault.
Sometimes I don’t see a way out of this misery. We’re all living to die anyway. So why does it matter when I choose to leave? My departure date shouldn’t concern anyone.
I used to count days, waiting for it all to get better. I was hopeful. Now I count down the days, waiting for the end. I am hopeless.
I’m getting over you. And you.. oh and you!
Seriously, I have more important things to put my time and energy into. Like going to school and doing what I love, working on my own happiness by bettering myself emotionally as well as physically, and just living without worry and anxiety.
I have to let go of everything that’s weighing me down. I shouldn’t be so spiteful, it only makes me sad. I need to learn to live for myself again.
For starters, I plan to spend less time on social networking sites, and the internet in general. Also, I need to work out, take care of my body more, watch what I’m eating. I’ve been very abusive to my body. I smoke cigarettes, I don’t eat very healthy, and lately I’ve been so sedative. I believe your body is a temple, and no ones going to worship it if you don’t at first. I plan on eating well too. What you put into your body can change your whole day. I want to create more, finally teach myself guitar, paint, hike, try new things, strengthen my friendships, and follow my dreams. I’ll be taking medicine as well, so hopefully that helps.
It’s a lot to take on, I know, but I think I have a good support system even though my Mom is far away at the moment. And hopefully, if I’m out more I won’t be stuck in the house lonely, feeling anxious. Lastly, maybe spending some time on my own will be good in the long run. I rely on others for my happiness far too much.
I’m tired of the games. I’m sick of putting myself out there and getting walked all over in return. It’d be nice if just once someone would go the extra mile for me. And when I say that I’m not asking for much. Maybe a fucking mixed CD or take me on a really cute date, I don’t care if it’s something free like a picnic, I’d actually prefer that.
Seriously, I’ve put my heart on the line so many times only for it to be cast right back out to sea again. I can’t handle it. I’m worn out. If I put anymore time and energy into another soul I’ll just burn out.
I guess it’s my fault too. I’m so naive, and I wear my heart on my sleeve. When I like someone I just melt into their hands. I can’t help it. I want to make them so happy. Seeing them smile is enough for me. I know that sounds cheesy as fuck, but it true, and I hate that about myself. I wish I had a tougher exterior. I wish I wasn’t so easily manipulated. I guess when people tell me they like me I take their word for it. Maybe I shouldn’t.
And you know, I took a year to myself and I started to feel so much better. Then one little thing happens and I snap.. so maybe I wasn’t better to begin with? I don’t know. Maybe I’m unlovable.
Yeah that’s it. We’ll go with that. I’m unlovable.
Last night I had a few brews and sat around a fire with some awesome people singing along to Brand New. Someone would play the guitar and the rest of us with mumble the lyrics. It brought up so many feelings of nostalgia. I was happy, I was sad, I was looking forward to my future though. It was a strange feeling. I could have been a little too drunk too, who knows.
Everyone I met was friendly though so the party was enjoyable even though I didn’t get to spend much time with a certain person. I’m honestly a little worn out now, but I’m going to see Tyler the Creator tonight! I have to gain some energy quick.. but I really really just want to sleep all day.
I’d rather be a wall flower. Quiet and shy. Sometimes I talk to much about nothing, sometimes I don’t say anything at all. These personality qualities or ‘quirks’ have become so intolerable, I often can’t stand to even be around myself. And isn’t that a shame?
I’ve learned from watching others that our lives are on repeat, but we’re so caught up in silly little things that never really matter that we miss out on so much. I watch the same people do the same things everyday. They put themselves in the same toxic situations and get the same painful results. It’s even painful to watch because you realize you’re just like them. I guess you could say it’s the blind leading the blind out there. We all look to each other to see if we’re doing it right, you know, living. We want to feel alive more than anything all the time. No one is at peace or content anymore. We strive for that rush of adrenaline, we’re addicted to that insane feeling and eventually we become used to the feeling. We don’t crave it, we’re completely numb to it.
Maybe it’s not them, it’s me. Maybe I’m missing something essential because it’s so hard to feel anything lately. My emotions confuse me and I can’t seem to relate to anyone anymore. I watch them live their lives and they seem like they’ve got the right idea, why can’t I get it right as well?
I’m at a time of transition in my life and it’s quite puzzling, and extremely frustrating. I don’t know who I am and I feel as if I’ll never belong.
It’d be nice to find a cute boy who listens to good music so on rainy days like these we could cuddle and put on some records. We don’t even have to cuddle. Just hang out, smoke a couple joints, reading books, painting, coffee, shutting the rest of the world out, letting the music in.
I can get affection from so many different boys. I could have them in love with me in a matter of weeks. I know how to play the game, I know what they want. I can read most people easily. But I don’t want any of that.
I don’t want to be affectionate with anyone. I don’t want to talk to anyone. I don’t want to open up to another soul. It’s too fucking messy.
I just want to be selfish.