I don’t want to grow up.

 I’ll be 18 in 6 months. I graduate in 11 months. In about a year or so I’ll probably be on my own and that scares the shit out of me. I’ll need to find a better job, pay for my car, all these different types of insurances, cell phone bill, rent, food, student loans, and maybe more. It makes me so fucking anxious.

 My Mom made a promise to me. She said she’d help me get my shit together after High School and I really do rely on her because growing up fucking sucks. I need someone to push me along. But now she’s breaking that promise. She’s probably going to take a job in another state and find her dream home. You know, follow her dreams. I totally understand that.. but it’s like they’re leaving me in the dust and that sucks. I mean, my parents said I could come with, but I don’t think I could move to a new state with just my parents. Starting over sounds so fucking scary. I know I’d feel more alone then ever.. and I really don’t want that. So now I’m stuck in a shitty position.

 I also told my two close friends today and it didn’t go as planned. They didn’t seem to understand that I was upset. Maybe I didn’t act very upset.. but I was. All day I’ve wanted to cry. I feel so weak, like I can’t do this alone, but I have to you know? My friends just didn’t get it, so I dropped it. I told someone else and they made me feel slightly better and excited for the future, but as I type this that feeling is slowly faded away and I’m left with that awful anxiety again. I didn’t want to be so stressed! I thought senior year in high school would be so great, but I can tell that it’ll come and go so quickly and before I know it I’ll have all these life changing choices thrown in my face unprepared..

 I want to cry. I want my Mother to hold me like she did was I was younger. Instead she mocks me. I want my Father to look at me and not see the bad, but the good that I’ve done. Instead he pushes me toward a path I don’t want to go down. I want my Brother to show me a bit more compassion because I love him and it kills me that we aren’t that close. I feel so weak. Like an abandoned child who lost track of time and can’t find their way home. Maybe I am weak. I mean, I know I’m not ready for all this.. I don’t think I’ll ever be ready actually.

 I remember being in the prime of my childhood and wanted so badly to grow up. I remember I wanted to end my short lived life at 16. I painfully remember every single heart break I took so seriously and every family fight that went a bit too far. I remember looking at myself and hating what I saw. All this shit that I’ve been through and I feel like I’ve grown so much. So why can’t I just woman up and take charge of my future? Why must I be so scared? I don’t know.

 I just want to press pause and then maybe rewind. I want someone to hold me and tell me everything is okay and that I’m over reacting. Instead I’m stuck feeling more alone and it sucks.

 Sorry this was so long.. I just can’t continue to hold it all in anymore.

5 notes